I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just had sex on a roof
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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