drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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