I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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