he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
