I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
