I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
