She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
