You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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