I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Pants are for mortals
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
