You're so nebulous sometimes
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
we're so committed to being not committed
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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