You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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