if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
