The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
