I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
