I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
