She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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