neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
