They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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