WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
