don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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