I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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