i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
and she was petting her beer can
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
