I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
