hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
