my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
