Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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