So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
