Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
