I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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