I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
