My sheets look like a crime scene.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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