I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
