your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
