Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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