Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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