She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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