Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
