just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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