i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
