a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
