I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
