Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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