I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
