Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
