I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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