JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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