so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
