I think im going to throw up on grandma
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
