cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
