you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
