chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
