How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
