That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
